feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food