Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.