Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
sigh
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.