I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Squirrels before girls.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in