Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
But that’s none of my business
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.