I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
is this store having a stroke wtf
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Planet of the Apps.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.