Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*Seductively hides in the woods
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️