Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”