[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Need this in my life lol
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.