Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen