A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
“i miss shittin on people”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no