People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
no
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.