My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
every single time
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”