My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you