Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)