[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
i’m sure it’s fine
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
This classic never gets old . . .
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet