I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples