rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles