Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’ve had relationships like this
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*