me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.