When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Sending in my taxes
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….