Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.