“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’m having an out of money experience.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Waiting for the Charmin
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”