I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”