[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
want me to check your oil?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.