Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
when someone rings the doorbell
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Stop.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.