Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?