Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!