[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.