Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Matt Goss
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?