*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
real
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood