The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.