I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…