{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.