”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.