i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
this is the best interaction on twitter
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.