One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.