Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
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Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*pronounces woah like Noah*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring