The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Meeeee too!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.