I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
don’t be scared
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Mad Max: Furry Road
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I have so many questions.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid