[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language