Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.