Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one