Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
A woman drives into a bar.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.