Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today