A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us