I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I really had high hopes for this year though
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Bloody internet 😳
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?