Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you