[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Our lord and savoury.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”