Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse